Wings of waves

IIMG_4484.JPGt was 4.30 am and still dark. Not pitch black, but a soft, diffused light already started to rise from the horizon. Like a ghost I quitely walked down the sleepy garden of Shanti Wasi, my little getaway place.

The soothing night sounds of the jungle surrounded me, as I strode calmly with bare feet over the cool and damp grass. I felt my inner lioness arising,  moving gracefully like a queen through the forest wilderniss. 

Something primal always comes over me when I’m close to nature. It just feels so right to be naked and free,
just like Mother Nature wanted me to be.

The stars above me were still twirling and dancing along the sky in various patterns, tugging at the corners of my lips in a way that it made me smile.

The beautiful -Costa Rican- Osa is my Soul Place. It’s the only place where I’ve experienced true unique feelings of belonging, awakening, empowerment and energetic rejuvenation. It’s my refuge, my hiding place, that always reconnects me with my soul and the sacred connection to nature. It’s a place where the veil between this world and the eternal world is transparent. A place where you can walk in two worlds- which isn’t to be perceived with the five senses.

Experiencing them goes beyond those limits.

I was alone in the dark. Nothing from the crazy city life could touch me here. Like a hunting lioness I ran down to the surf shack. I found the key hiding in the secret spot. I quietly opened the lock and pulled out the 9′.0″ longboard and rushed victorously towards the beach. For some reason I felt like I was secretly sneaking out of the house, without trying to wake my parents.

While making my way down the jungle trail, all I could feel was a warm breeze caressing my naked skin, all I could hear was the breaking of the waves in the distance. My heart racing, the Sirens in the sea were calling  my name.

The dark sky had now turned into a deep purple. The ocean didn’t look like an abyss of IMG_4336black, nor did it appear blue. Instead it looked like a metallic grey, with glinstering silver beams of the full moon dancing on the surface. Sitting on my knees, I paddled out slowely between the gentle, waist high, sets.

The water was welcoming warm, and with my feet dangling I felt the pulse of the rolling waves underneath me. It was as if I just paddled out into a whole new sacred dimension. I stared up at the sky and inhaled the silver glow of the moon. She smiled down at me with a love so intense it warmed my soul from the inside . There I was, sitting in the twilight, escaping the +11h land-locked work life from the city, not wanting to do anything but cry. But the look of the moon behind me, and the divine process of the rising sun in front of me, didn’t cause the storm to go on inside of me. Instead, while I sat in the middle of this powerful planetary line up, I felt a warm peaceful fire flickering up inside my heart. And soon it started to grow larger and larger, dissolving all of the dark emotions in its path. My worries burned away, and the tears that were starting to form at the corners of my eyes melted down my sleepy face with a rush of relief.

IMG_4635Crying feels good these days, especially when it’s tears that I don’t have or want to push away anymore. And these ones weren’t drops of sadness, no. They were more like the feelings of joy, relief, happiness and freedom streaming away from my hurt eyes. They were temporary cleaners to wash away all the chaos from the last few months.

Under the protection of millions of stars and the beautiful moon, I felt like I could let the floodgates open. The heaviness seemed to finally disappear into the ocean.

The heavy collective toxic stress of these crazy corporation driven societies, the existential anxiety and the sometimes suffocating loneliness it brings, the insanity….. it’s really easy to lose yourself in the physical ‘labyrinth’ and completely forget about our true home and deeper nature.

It all washed away with the soft lullaby that the waves sang along as the fiery orange sun finally showed up in the porcelain purple sky.

For a moment, wich felt like eternity,  everything became mysteriously quiet. A perfect set appeared in the horizon from where the mighty godlike sun rose.

I started paddeling and before I even realized it, I was already standing right on top of the water. The power of the wave pushed my board towards the shore, while I danced all the way up to the nose and back. I’m completely into longboarding again these days. There is just something really graceful about single fin riding.

It’s an art form.

There I was, all alone, right in the middle of natures divine spectacle – feeling the air, dancing on top of golden waves.

It was almost like being a bird with wings of waves…. soaring through the sweet tropical air.

You can really feel nature’s energy in the waves as you catch it.  You cut through the water and glide effortlessly. Sometimes it bends around you so you can ride inside.  It’s a true spiritual IMG_4474feeling of being closer to that what made us.

There are states of consciousness, in which you can pulsate with an energy that connects you with your own energy, and realize that THAT is the whole point of being alive. Just to go with this particular energy manifestation that is happening right at that moment–to be “it.”

and then, just as quick as it came, the whole experience dies on the shore.

The painful beauty of impermanence.

When you’re on a wave, time ceases exist, it calls you, draws you into itself, transports you into the presence of a world beyond this world. It moves you into the presence of the mysterious power.  Trying to describe this place is like trying to describe love or the existence of God.  All attempts are feeble and all talk is cheap.  Understanding marries  experience and full understanding is almost never achieved.

And though time did continue, the emotions that flowed stilled my soul.

The waking jungle behind me chirped an explicit background chant. The golden light softly caressed the land and ignited the birds into a chorus of melodies. White pelicans glided gracefully and effortlessly through the waking sky.

With breath paused in my lungs, I wished time would halt. It all felt as if I was on an enchanted, esoteric ride. That existence invited me to join an ancient, mysterious ceremony.
A familiar tease of melancholy visited… my natural tendency of wanting to cling to beauty.
The palmtrees shone as if they were wearing golden crowns and the vast sea was now painted in bright orange sparks of the sun.
IMG_4464“This will all makes sense one day….or maybe it wont” I smiled, while the soft amber glow warmed my face. In truth, once you’ve been initiated in such a magical place and allowed your spirit to absorb  that which transcends the senses, all need for definition of the deep mysteries of the Universe, ceases.
Restless soul, slowely but surely the cracks of that chronic broken heart will become secret portals to higher levels of existence. And oceans will rise within your body for a love that is so pure, that it’s undeniable.
 

I took one more wave; then another, and another, as the sky continued to light up into a live painting, I danced like a ballerina into the birth of day. Eventually,  absolutely everything turned golden.

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All the human illusions that were at play on land….were all far away from me now. Lost in the awe of everything, I remembered that this was the reason I decided to move to Costa Rica.

To dance harmoniously with the elements and forces of the ocean, to embody the rythms of nature….to lose myself in silent beauty.

To live any other way would be completely insane…

It’s all an experience…

and it’s closest to heaven that I’ll ever be in this human existence…

Home.

 

xo Marianne

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Thoughts behind the energy of desire

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ~ Louise Erdrich, The painted drum

 

img_3491Can we truly enjoy things without the charge of desire? Is it possible to look around in your inner or outer environment, and not want anything?  Can you be hungry and not want food? Horny and not want sex? Uncomfortable, yet not want comfort, ambitious yet not want achievement? These thoughts have been visiting my mind a lot lately, while dancing through my solitary days and the energies of desire that rise while doing so. When you shut down your desires, doesn’t it also become a ‘wanting’?  Don’t you think desire in and of itself is so delicious, and when fully revelled in, nothing less than the elixir of pure aliveness? From a Tantric perspective, desire is what drives us to connect with a higher intelligence.

These last 8 months I’ve been very organically letting go of everything… desires, needs, wants, hopes, dreams, fears, familiarity, ALL of it. To see if I could totally empty myself of everything. The weird thing about this ‘experiment’ is that some dreams  I once ‘wanted’ or fantasized about somehow naturally started to gravitate towards me. Only to notice that after I released the charge of that yearning, I don’t really ‘need’ or ‘want’ it that much anymore. The longer I am on this journey, the less I actually want…it’s a really weird feeling sometimes.

Am I becoming comfortably numb? A new survival mechanism? My counselor WebMD just told me that emotional numbness, and disinterest are signs of  depression 🙂

Or…am I on the path of ‘perfection’?

When nothing upsets you, you are at the beginning of the path. When you desire nothing, you are half way on the path, when nothing becomes everything, you are perfected. ~ Meher Baba

img_2626Well, ‘perfection’ might take me a while, as things definitely still upset me. If I ever thought I reached some sort of ‘enlightment’ recently, life decided to force me on my humble knees as ‘just’ going to work these days became my biggest spiritual practice in patience and humility…

For years I tried to find my ‘place’ in this world, and restlessly travelled to the farest corners of this planet. While watching sunsets on the most beautiful beaches, surfing secluded  surfspots and living in the most surreal places, I somehow always felt  like an unfulfilled, purposeless parasite. Not contributing to something bigger other than fulfilling my own self centered fantasies…

During these months of solitude, even though I’m experiencing some level of ’emotional numbness’, I’ve also never been more closely connected to desire. Only now learning to see the difference between what my true desires are and how to respond to them from the Spirit, rather than react to them from the selffulling Ego. I’m learning to shift my desires and daily intentions from ‘me’ to the benefit of All. And that is a whole other story.

Can I sit down and eat my meals more consciously for the benefit of All who are hungry, can I go to work tomorrow in a more loving and compassionate mindstate for the benefit of All who are feeling stuck in their personal prisons, can I kiss a lover in such a tender, healing way for the benefit of him and All beings who are suffering and need healing,…

What if every action I do today, is for the benefit of this whole planet. Now THAT to me is a complete a paradigm shift…being able to walk this earth as a constant prayer.

Upon returning to Belgium 8 months ago I felt defeated in all my endeavors of building a life that I ‘wanted’. When operating out of ego, desire becomes really toxic, you become obsessed with the object of desire be it, a relationship, a certain job, money, fame, sex or…even spiritual enlightenment. After almost 4 years of travelling I decided to throw the towel in the ring last august 2016, and released the obsession of wanting to be and do something else than right where I was in that moment.

Only in the present I’m free from the ghosts of my stories. I need only to be, right where I am, to be blessed. I only need to inhabit this timespace with the me-ness to be full, to be empty, to breathe the place alive. I also started envisioning my future goals and  wishes to the benefit of All. What can I do on a daily basis to make make myself more useful to raise the vibration of this planet?  First of all I needed to raise my personal vibration by doing daily meditations, img_2637writing a gratitude journal, exercising, breating,  eating high vibrational foods, and starting each day with a specific intention.

As the Universe has it own sense of humor, right after I decided I didn’t ‘want’ to be anywhere else anymore, ironically I now find myself living in Costa Rica… blessed with abundant gifts of opportunity and being of service in a country I once could only dream of to live and work for a sustainable period of time.
It all ‘just happened’ without me having to ‘force-manifest’ anything.

Go figure…

By fitting our desires within the boundary if the benefit for All, we align with Spirit, step out of ourselves and in to the power that allows us to achieve our goals.

Rumi said: “What you seek is seeking you.” We all have our own unique, deep-rooted aspirations that propel us forward.  It is what causes us to make the decisions we make in life, from the most simple, like the clothes we wear, to the most complex, like our career. That force is karma and it shapes our life’s purpose. When we keep the channel clear of toxic attatchements, we are able to honor our deepest desires and use them as seeds to manifest the life that we are meant to live, our soul’s calling.

Though working with the energy of desire is tricky because also denying and repressing builds a powerful magnetic charge. Like how my good friend loneliness is keeping me up every night, tossing and turning while cuddling my pillow as if it’s my husband.  In my experiences lately the only way through the energy is to acknowledge it an than seek to become that wich you desire. It is never about the object of desire, but the emotions surrounding it. Seeking to identify the psychological, mental, emotional, or spiritual need.  I realized in doing so in a sense you can meld with the desired object without having to necessarily physically satiate that desire, and we can respond to our desires gracefully and without attachment.

I have the tendency to seclude myself in isolation,  I think at some levels it’s very nourishing, but at some point it also becomes toxic. Let’s be honest, you can cuddle your pillow to sleep only for so long, right? 🙂 Once the woman has connected to her divinity, breathed life into her body temple, transformed her pain into joy, manifested her empire, she becomes ready to knock on another door, and invite the energy of the Divine Masculine in, as he is the compliment, balance and partner to the Divine Feminine.

img_2738There is no fixed end destination in sight on this journey of solitude I’ve chosen to take. I believe it will unravel in it’s natural course. And even though that leaves the questions of why, when, and where wide open, I will continue to listen to my heart, as it’s now my only consultant… when trouble finds its way into my path or  loneliness keeping me up every night.

As the healing process continues, each day feels anew with the abundance of self-discovery. A dance between darkness and light, creating a new relationship with myself—one that is filled with honesty this time.

Who I am in this moment is alive, though she will not be when you read this. We die and are born so many times in this life. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship, it’s about being open to life…All I have is my time, here, now, stretching more or less forwards or backwards, somehow without existing at all.

Time itself will only ever embody in the present, which will never haunt as long as I take its hand to dance while it’s alive. Time will not wait until you’re ready. It has already swept you off your feet before you’ve realized how full of eternity “now” is and that you’re only ever ageless in its embrace. It’s an impatient young lover. It’s a tender, empathic old lover. It converses only with THIS beat of your heart and doesn’t care how many have come before or will come after.

xo Marianne

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“The essential key of intention, Matt Kahn” ~ truedivinenature.com, YouTube

Brahmacharya: seeking Eternal happiness

Brahman means “the divine” or “ultimate,” charya means “the path.”

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Slowely waking up to the soft morning winds of beautiful Escazu, my body feeling flushed with blissful sparkles and a naughty smile, resulting from a very amorous dream.

Oh my, that was a treat, as I am officially celebrating my 6th month of “Brachmacharya” or celibacy.

I consciously decided that it was time to take my “Yoga” to the next level and abstain from dating and the passions of the flesh for…well…I don’t know how long honestly.

An indefinite time.

It all feels like a very natural reaction to an intense realization I had during last year’s Ayahuasca ceremony: the Union of the Divine feminine and masculine within…

me…
geoglyphiks-yab-yum-yantra-art_grandeThis last connection has been such a transformational catalyst to all my deeply engrained unhealed patterns that are still out of alignment with… Love.

Really? Me? Out of alignment? You mean practicing asana and bombarding your body and soul with plant medicine is not enough to finally get to that point?

Existence slapped little miss ‘ignorant’ in the face once again and out of nowhere I was humbly exposed to all my unhealed stuff. Body issues, really? Still? Childhood issues? Past hurt issues… Oh, and what about those emotional co-dependent issues?! Attachment issues, anxiety, fear…. Like really? You are still in there, still dictating my experiences in this dimension?

Well…I must say I got spiritually discouraged there…I’ve always been a slow learner, naively thinking that drinking some Ayahuasca tea will solve absolutely everything overnight and would ‘fast track’ my awakening process.

Probably the biggest ignorant joke I’ve been telling myself.

Patience has never been my strong suit but how long does it have to take to go through this never ending purging process? Will there ever be a state of ‘being’ on this plane of existence without all this absorbed negativity or ancestral ‘baggage’ ?  The more stuff you purge, the more new stuff seems to rise…

Ughhhh!

In my chaotic search for truth these last few months I found some ‘hope’ in a very interesting perspective by Matt Kahn. He boldly presents here an alternative path out of this never ending healing cycle.

Ohhhh, YES PLEASE, sign me UP! Get me out of this clearing and purging curse.

He states, that not until under the power of your own Divine authority YOU move yourself out of the healing purification phase on to the next one.

Really? That’s it? It all honestly can end, today?

Well, monsieur ‘perfect enlightenedness’ Kahn as always it is way easier said than done. Nevertheless, that has become my daily mission for these last 6 months. And boy how did life change a 180 degrees!

For one, practicing the art of conservation, yet in a different way exploring the creative power of sexual energy.  Then converting this powerful energy in spiritual energy has been more transformational than any practice I’ve ever tried (thank you Osho).

Brachmacharya is considered one of the cornerstones of a serious yoga practice and I feel it  did bring me ‘some sort’ of next level.

Many people mistakenly believe that practicing Brahmacharya means suppression of the natural sexual instincts. Suppression is not what is wanted, because anything that is suppressed will eventually be released with redoubled force when an opportunity arises.

The proper way to practice Brahmacharya is to sublimate these natural urges into a strong yoga practice that includes meditation(! lots and lots and lots!), asanas, pranayama, and in tradition reading of scriptures or yogic texts. Mostely for me it also meant… A LOT of running, fantasising (haha), cold showers, painting, latenight podcasts, oh and alot of Gregg Braden, Matt Kahn and Upbeabudda YouTube video’s.

So what has changed during these 6 months?

Absolutely everything!

  1. Increased peace, less distracted by someone else’s story
  2. More emotionally independent. Recovering faster from the ‘darker’ days
  3. Extreme chocolate yearnings, followed by occasional binges
  4. Feeling more confident, yet still humbly insecure
  5. Energy and fitness levels are skyrocketing…it’s insane
  6. Feeling more empowered
  7. A deeper connection to All
  8. Feeling a deeper soul connection with family, friends,…. Regardless our karmic issues
  9. Loneliness is my friend now
  10. Fiding extreme comfort in baby cuddles and animals (possible early symptom of serious crazy catwoman issues)
  11. A breeze of wind or sunshine on my skin feels like a full on tantric experience
  12.  Deeper focus in goals and finally taking steps towards materializing lifelong dreams; moving to my soulplace Costa Rica, combined with meaningful work of service and teaching
  13. Chocolate! Lots and lots of cho co la te!!!

That and so much more has changed, in a very short amount of time I feel!

Finally becoming aware of some recurring relationship issues I decided that I’m ready to level it up and move on from these outdated patterns, towards a life of deep spiritual partnership.

I’ve outgrown the scared indecisive boys who are only willing to dip their toes in shallow water for fear of the deep. Boys who like to keep things very simple, and uncomplicated. Nothing serious or too complex, or no long term commitments that make you actually feel something more than just…lust.

And with all of that I’m pointing fingers at me, myself and I here as I realize that constantly attracting this hot and cold, “one leg in, one leg out” dynamic is nothing but a reflection of all MY deep unhealed issues and insecurities.  Echoed back at me, through these wonderful teachers, the mirrors of my soul.

Thank you!

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It was really fun and I’m feeling blessed for these experiences, but now, to me, the beautiful complicated deep mysteries of someone’s soul, is the only place worth my time of exploring.

To overcome compulsive behavior, one needs to engage in a conscious process. One should be more aware of compulsive forces that influence this negative drive. Becoming conscious about these forces allow us to make a choice rather than act in ways that bring about troubles in life.

So I’m clearing space here and keeping that delicious, potent energy pure for my future Shiva, my warrior. Holding it for my true king, who is soulready and not afraid, ready to walk with the same energy frequency. Brave and loyal, deep and passionate…

Maybe I will find him, maybe I won’t, it doesn’t really matter for he is no longer the hero of this story anymore.

I am!

I do believe that sex holds the key to our spiritual evolution. And most definitely would love to experience it again some day. But the key word here is conscious lovemaking with a heartfelt connection to the Divine as opposed to the self-satisfaction and gratification. Respecting one another, embracing differences and harnessing strengths, is where trust and love will conquer over dependency, jealousy and manipulation.

In the past, letting go of someone or those I’ve loved and worshipped more than life itself has probably been one my most painful initiations. Yet by doing so it enriched and deepened my connections and life experiences. Letting go of people we love still sounds very insensitive.  It’s so hard to move on without the ones you thought that would never leave your side. It takes an attitude of deep humility to finally take responsibility for your own ‘stuff’, instead bombarding it and blaming it onto someone else. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to face,cradle and comfort your own demons when they come visit you in the middle of the night.

Yet it has proved to be the most productive shift I have ever practiced.

People come and people go, life dies and life moves on.

I am someone..but will be nothing, I am confident.. but humbly insecure.. I am brave.. yet absoultley terrified… and working towards accepting absolutely every aspect of that complex beautiful ‘me’ will be my salvation.  This is the unconditional love that I always needed and wanted in my life, but kept seeking from another, only to be left disappointed or hurt.

Instead of putting unrealistic expectations and hopes onto others in manifesting my dreams, I decided to take complete charge of it myself.

Realizing that absolutely everything that I ever needed or wanted is within my glorious, wonderous Self has been the biggest shift towards my inner freedom!

How much I would love to be ‘miss Matt Kahn inspired- freed by her own divine autority’…I know I’m far from there yet. I’m slowely working my way up in finding this level of  independency, happiness and self-love, uniting the two parts of that have been separate.

The sacred Union of the Divine masculine and feminine, within…me.

And as our feelings create our reality, this Union within, I just know,  will soon be beautifully reflected back in the outside world.

Because this is how the universe works!

As within, so without

And until that day, I vow to keep living my truth very, VERY passionately!

Yes, that is possible even without ‘gettin some good old fashioned booty’.

Namasté from Costa Rica,

Xo Marianne

I wanted to leave a little thank you note to all the wonderful people in my life who have been walking with me on this ongoing journey in finding my place here on spaceship Earth. I’ve been cocooning for quite a while now, incubating this evolutionary shift. It has been a crazy rollercoaster , and ever since I boarded my plane to Costa Rica time only seems to speed up. I’m so genuinly grateful for my family and friends back home for all your support and love. Even though I might not express it enough. I love you so, so much. I know it’s not easy on all of you to love my restless, complicated, wandering soul,  yet I do realize that I owe absolutely everything of what I am today to all of you… to your friendship and support.

Deeply grateful for all my wonderful ex-boyfriends, lovers and heart connections, for they have been the best teachers, and catalysts for my evolutionary shift into awakening.

Beyond grateful for new friends and teachers that are rising, for it is the warm confirmation that we are never truly alone.

And last but not least, a warm heartfelt shout out to Upbeatbuddha (< check his page)

The beautiful monsieur Ryan Keys, oh my godness, what a gift this man is to this world. Thank you so much for being my Miyagi sensei, a mentor, friend, lighthouse, co-creator and constant presence and guide in my life. Thank you for caring, checking in almost daily  and walking along with me, and many others, through these life challenges! I wouldn’t know where I’d be without your teachings, inspiration, friendship, love and soul support on a daily basis!

Gracias!!!!

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Verde mar

It’s 8 pm and I’m driving home from the restaurant . A luxury I haven’t enjoyed for a very long time.
Dinner with dad was cozy as always. The older I get the more I really appreciate family time. My dad, brother and his girlfriend were all pleasantly talking the whole evening away. Most of the time I wasn’t really listening what everyone was saying as I was caught in the moment by looking into their eyes and changed facial features. Noticing how time, life transformed us, yet we’re all somehow still the same. Realizing how lucky I am to have this family I felt my heart expanding with love and admiration for how much we all have grown~together.
It’s a hot late-summer night and the moon is out, it’s almost a full moon, and she’s looking so big and pretty I feel like I could just reach out my car window and hug her. I rolled all the windows down, to let the wind blow my hair, making it into tangles. While listening to the soul stirring music of Chambao I decide to take the long way home. Driving just makes me feel so free. I can remember those days I would just get in my car and drove just for the heck of it.
I treasure anything that makes me feel free. Driving, cuts away constraints, makes life simple and leaves me worry free and confident to go on adventures. It gives me choices. When I drive it’s me who gets to decide where and when to go.

The song Verde Mar comes on. I feel a rush of emotion moving through me. The words of the song, the sound of her voice, the guitar, all while driving into the magical full moon night somehow feels so intense. I pull over to the side of the road. I turn up the volume and put my head on the steering wheel. I close my eyes so I can concentrate on the beautiful lyrics and the emotions it stirs.
I take a deep inhale while feeling every word resonate inside my body. The air in my lungs becomes sweeter and I feel a sharp shot of happiness, straight up my body into the air overhead. Contemplating, feeling, smiling, remembering,…

Music is medicine.

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I keep praying to be able to love better, to be open to a love bigger than my little self can channel alone, so that I can be, it sounds so egotistical, but… a conduit of it for others, for them to feel loved, too. Actually, ‘How may I serve’ and ‘Thank You’ are my only loud and conscious requests as of late.

Realizing it’s difficult, to trust your heart in this day and age, to open it, even to the divine.

There is so much beauty in the world. And the greatest shame is missing those sweet opportunities~not taking the time to pull over to the side of the road to allow yourself to bathe in it….and that in those opportunities it becomes evident what a small role we really play.

There’s so much soaring freedom in this reality. Even in these mundane routinious days lately, these weeks, despite their monotonous flavor, are bright winking stars in my universe, forming important constellations that will tell me about my life. I will feel grateful for them, looking back, trying to understand my path of existence.
It feels awfully amazing and full to feel grateful for them now, too.

Enjoyyyyyy:  Verde Mar~Chambao

Verde mar, gotas del cielo caía
Eres tú, quien al oído me decía

Una luz, que mi alma iluminó

Eres tu, el de las palabra bellas
El que me enseñó el camino

Sin salir de mi destino

Eres tú, eres tú

El que solo con palabras

Conquistó mi corazón

Quiéreme, dime que nunca te irás
Que podré seguir soñando

Que podré seguir amando

Eres tú, eres tú

El que solo con palabras

Conquistó mi corazón

A demon called Fear

I think from the exact moment of my arrival on this planet, I have lived with a fire inside, a yearning, an innate wildness captured in the essence of myself. I have greeted this world with journeys to unknown shores far away from home. On these journeys I discovered the Ocean and mother Ayahuasca as my teacher and my medicine. I discovered LIFE on the road and in the stinging salt of the waves; constantly humbled by the possibility of death that hangs in the crest of each hungry break. Always walking away reborn,  cleansed by the everlasting power of this planet and fulfilled with a fundamental need to experience ALL of it.

Mother Ayahuasca called me to her teachings three years ago.  To then be initiated and violently stripped of my concept of  what I thought ‘reality’ was. I wanted a very naive ‘quick fix’ for my existential crisis. What I got in return was a paralyzing fear, unbearable anxiety, depression, confusion, and a three year battle with the feelings of suffocation of my spirit in this human incarnation.

Little did I know this was only the start and a necessary humbling process of my rebirth.

On a random night in Nicaragua I felt the magnetic pull to sit with her again. Even though I previously said ‘never again, I reserved my spot in the circle. Once you start a relationship with this plant, it’s her teachings and the evolution of your soul that basically pulls the strings. Even when my poor threatened ego wasn’t very happy with the decision, I took the pilgrimage back home to the jungles of Costa Rica.

The presence of Mother Ayahuasca swoop over me as soon as I arrived in the well familiar jungle. Being back felt uncomfortable but at the same time I felt right where I needed to be…home.

The evening of the ceremony arrived fast. While watching every brave soul in the circle with admiration I was the first one invited to drink. Already feeling an unbearable pain in my stomach all I wanted to do was to run away crying. I received the cup of sacred tea. I bowed “Please be gentle, I’m open to recieve your teachings for my healing in gratitude” I whispered  and as soon as I drank, it kicked right in.

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“Salud Marianne” they all cheered. Feeling really heavy I crawled on hands and knees back to my spot. I felt sad and tired. Sad because I knew she was going to force me out of my fresh established comfort zone once again.

I tried to resist her very fast rising within me. I knew there was no way. I surrendered to the discomfort and felt sadness well up… Sadness of feeling not being in control of anything from this point. And oh how I love to be in control. She spoke that it was not going to be pleasant for a while, and that we were going to walk through the gates of hell once again. Revisiting some familiar places where we left off last time. The only difference this time was that I was offered a chance to practice the ‘tools’ I have learned these last few years to find ‘ease’ in times of discomfort and challenge.

I fixated on my breath and the Icaros. I surrendered to the healing words during moments of anguish. I stared to get visions of moving snakes covered in shipibo patterns, scary demon monkey’s and  I was entering the eternal portal where time doesn’t exist.

Yes, that familiar void where I’ve been held captive before. For a month, sixty-thousand years, or an hour? It was all the same.

“Stay centered, breathe, be brave, survive. Fear is not real. I am LOVE” I repeated this mantra over and over.

Physically overwhelmed by cramping and stomach pains, I started to feel my body lose strength. A demon stabbed my stomach, and weighted heavy on my entire body. I was suffocating, couldn’t breathe,  the pain was all consuming. I could barely hold my body up as I held on tight to the pole I was leaning on for assistance. I concentrated as best as I could on the Icaros, who were echoing in my fragile bones. I knew it was coming…

The Icaros grew heavy with intention. Collectively we were all at war with a very consuming, weighty darkness. My body collapsed entirely from weakness, leaving  it in a pile of suffering on the floor. Falling into helpless despair, I couldn’t lift my head or speak a word. I felt I was dying, I was scared. My consciousness became overwhelmed once more by demonic darkness, pain, petrified it may never return to the light.

As soon as I was about to fall into the rabbit hole of infinite terror again, out of nowhere a vision of a familiar ‘earth angel’ appeared. Weeks before the ceremony we magically ‘stumbled’ upon each other on energetic level. Little did I know that this beautiful teacher, made from the stars, built upon the power of mighty ancestors would share simple but necessary words of medicine to inspire me to navigate through the most challenging part of my shamanic journey.

“Breathe, do not resist the discomfort, move with it, do not work against it…It’s almost over…and I am with you.”

This message made me feel so supported  and I felt safe to allow it all move through me. I embraced the scary situation with the help of this mystery man while holding on to a very powerful Icaro. Before I knew it all my demons and pain vanished like smoke.

Fear is a self created illusion.

I got a little lost…and the only direction I could seem to navigate led me straight to the clarity of the mysterious healing presence of this beautiful human. Helping me and guiding me through a very dark challenge. Opening the way to surrender and remember the ‘tools’ to exercise this darkness out of my psyche. My love and admiration for this charming Lightworker consumed me. It reminded me that absolutely everyone you meet on your path is a teacher or angel in disguise. Our bodies might be tied to the limited views of the ego and the linear timeline of earth. Our souls are not. We connected  in Spirit first, to then be blessed to experience a brief, dreamy, heart opening, transformational adventure in the physical world. Gone before I even realized it was there, missed before I knew I had it.

I have a tendency to over-romanticize things, but honestly this level of alignment with someone was something that I had always daydreamed of. An other worldly experience of purifying love pouring through hearts and  bodies, raising energy, and simply the result of two people willing to come together with open hearts. This planned encounter between souls had the essence and wisdom far beyond the space where time exists.

Vibrating with regained power and embracing the primitive lioness warrior within me, I thought of my mother, my grandmother, ex-boyfriend, a close friend,…

I felt so deeply the discomfort and the weight of their pain. Their struggles with addiction, anxiety, depression,….

“Stop trying to fix all these people!” This was not the first time mother Aya warned me for this repetitive, self destructive pattern.

I (subconsciously) believe that when the ones we love are hurting, their pain trumps everything. Their pain gets top priority, and whatever goals and dreams I’ve been working toward vanish in comparison.  I thought that love meant tending to the other person’s needs first—always. And this form of self-sacrifice comes very naturally to me. Fixing other people can easily become a destructive self-identity.

“Share your talents and resources. Generously give your time and attention. But you cannot pour a magical tonic on the wounds of every person walking the planet. It’s not your job.”

After this realization, I cuddled into my own body under my blanket.

I felt tired.

My heart was beating. My heart… beating in my chest and I heard it like the gong of a ceremonial practice taking over the whole jungle. MY heart is beating and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. It’s opening, and eternal love is pulsing right through it, non-stop, for free, expanding its level of intelligence.

“The love you seek is already present, every second of the day”.

Right there, on the floor, holding myself  like I always wished  a lover would hold me during lonely nights, I discovered a much needed and infinite source of self-love.


I received beautiful golden visions of sacred Union and the divine dance of Shakti and Shiva. Teachings about how intimate relationships are one of the greatest and most profound sources of personal and spiritual growth. How we can come together to honor the divine within ourselves and within each other. Relationships shouldn’t be based on dependency, obligation, sacrifice or selfishness, but are here for personal and spiritual development. Connecting to the scared feminine and masculine within ourselves and then growing and honoring this energy with a partner.

Laying between cushions and blankets  I felt waves of bliss vibrating trough my body…I slowly returned to this dimension. While I was admiring the stars in the night sky I  felt like a mermaid swimming in an Ocean of love, surrounded and supported by my soulfamily. I’m at home in the Pura Vida lands and I love and worship those jungles more than words can ever express. I was dancing through glistening waves and stars in the sky, reflecting the glow of the moon.

And right in that very moment, absolutely everything made perfectly sense.

The true discipline of ayahuasca integrates long after the ceremonies end. I walked away with a gaping hole inside once filled with a demon, a physical representation of fears I harbored deep within. Fear is an insidious virus living in all of us. If you let it, if you don’t actively resist fear, it will sink in deeply, and spread a cancer at the molecular level that will paralyze you. Fear is an illusion, one fails before one tries, one judges before one acts.

Ayahuasca forced me to relive this hell, to face these demonic anxieties once and for all, so I could empirically know, even when faced with my own death, the demon I have inside will lose to the savage female fighter, every time. I may never be free of fears, but I will never surrender to them either. Ayahuasca bestowed on me the responsibility to restlessly pursue the true capability of the light that shines within.

I am committed to this kind of soul work and I will return to go deeper July 2017!  Thanks to ayahuasca I look at this splendorous world with new empowered eyes, with more breath in my lungs, toes curling deep into the earth, and consistent unwavering love in my heart. I wake to every rising sun with unsurmountable energy and existential lust for the future of this world. Equally grateful to live, as I am to have died.

Preparing for Ayahuasca ceremony #3&4

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ C.G. Jung

It was exactly 3 years ago I hit my first existential crisis in the jungles of Costa Rica, and it has also been exactly 3 years that I took my first sip of a very strong cup of tea that would change my life forever.

What is Ayahuasca? 

If you’re unfamiliar what Ayahuasca is all about, there’s plenty of resources online to learn more. But here’s a quick description.

In short: Ayahuasca is an Amazonian plant mixture that is capable of inducing altered states of consciousness, usually lasting between 4 to 8 hours after ingestion. Ranging from mildly stimulating to extremely visionary, ayahuasca is used primarily as a medicine and typically in a ceremonial session under the guidance of an experienced guide or shaman.

In the past few decades ayahuasca is slowly gaining interest from Western society as well. Not only academic researchers in the field of psychotherapy have shown an increased interest. Psychonauts, i.e. people who practice responsible and conscious use of mind-altering substances, use ayahuasca to confront themselves with the richness of the mind, the infinity of the universe, and their deepest fears, so as to experience deep growth and healing resulting from facing and overcoming these fears. There are many thousands of cases in which people have been healed of physical, mental and emotional disorders, and many curious cases of recovery from grave and even fatal disorders. A large number of people have been cured from, for example:  addictions, grief and loss, relationship problems, depression, anxiety, and trauma only through a few ceremonies, and the cases of post-ayahuasca cancer remission are too numerous to ignore. 

However, Ayahuasca is not a miracle cure in the sense that you drink the brew and ALL your troubles have vanished within a couple of hours. It is a miracle cure though, in the sense that Ayahuasca gets to the root cause of the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms like many traditional medicines do. I mean have you ever heard of a case when antidepressants have actually completely cured someone of depression?

The medicine works with you for 50%. How you integrate everything that is revealed during the ceremony into your daily life is the other 50% and completely up to you.

I so far have joined two ceremonies total and I admit I kinda dived in quite naïve and desperate as I saw it as the only way out of my continuous  ‘Earthly’ suffering I was experiencing. I felt it was my last hope as I didn’t know who or what else to turn too. It probably was the most  extremely, EXTREMELY scary, life shattering, but also most advantageous experience of my life. Nevertheless I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone other than when you absolutely tried every other-more forgiving- way to free yourself from your suffering. I do feel that any one that is a truth seeker and has a strong enough ego/container can have many questions resolved by sitting with  the “medicina”.

Maybe the way you know if you’re right to make a certain decisionis to ask yourself if you feel uncomfortable. 

I felt really REALLY uncomfortable when I finally confirmed my place in the circle again. But outside the comfort zone is where the magic starts. As I said  in my provious posts I’m taking this time very serious to dive deep once more. There is still some bottled up, unresolved issues lingering in the uncounsious. Wich makes me play out these repetitive storylines where I usually end up getting hurt by always overempathizing. It is a very personal journey and hard work and I know whatever will be revealed is for my own benefit.

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Before attending to the ceremony you first have to do “the dieta” or cleanse. The body is a vessel. All what we put into our bodies, everything that is consumed, eaten, all physical activities we engage in, leave a trace in us creating an impact on our well being. The body absorbs the elements from it’s surroundings, affecting us physically as well as energetically (mentally, psychologically, spiritually). Think of your physical part as of a vessel in which you navigate the Reality in a broader sense.

The body is also a part of the energetic system, that receives and transmits energy. It absorbs, filters, it can be clogged, blocked, saturated by what it consumes. Therefore the more clean the body is, the best energetic exchange with the environment is possible. So for the next weeks it is advised to refrain from:

Two Weeks before:

Pork~ not an option as I’m choosing the vegan path

Sexual activities of any kind, including masturbation

Alcohol

Marijuana

ALL drugs (cocaine, MDMA, amphetamines, medication, etc.)

Spicy foods

Ice, ice cream, or ice cold drinks

One Week before:

Refined sugars
Red meat

Junk foods

Salt or pepper

Sweets or chocolate

Oils

Animal fats (lard, etc.)

Carbonated drinks (including diet sodas, energy drinks, non-alcoholic beer)

Dairy products

Fermented foods

Caffeine & other stimulants

Additional restrictions 

Avoidance of synthetic soaps, perfumes, toiletries, etc.

By eliminating the above from your diet, you prepare your body physically for the ayahuasca journey, and perhaps also reducing the amount of “purging” needed to clean your physical body. In addition to the physical aspects, by showing your commitment and determination to ayahuasca and the master plants, you are creating the foundations of your relationship with them and offering them the respect which is essential for this work. With that I’m also committing to a daily meditation practice and monitoring my thought loops during the day.

I’ll be journeying down to Costa Rica next week and the retreat will take place on July 23&24. Sending me some extra love and support during those days are kindly accepted and probably very much needed.

I might blog about the whole experience, but then again…you never know what to expect after such deep work and might come back with more confusion than clarity 🙂

A last note:

I will say that Ayahuasca is serious stuff and not for everybody. If you’re thinking about going on a retreat, do your homework. This is especially true when choosing the right retreat center, as the growing Aya industry is leading to a slew of shady businesses out there.At the end of this post, I’ll share a list of resources to educate yourself further.

Don’t be mistaken and think that drinking Ayahuasca will fix all your problems. It is very hard work and you must meet the medicine in the middle. This means integrating everything you’ve learnt and apply it to your daily life. Otherwise if you just go back to your old habits, you will slowly go back to your old self.

Books:

DMT: The Spirit Molecule by Rick Strassman

The Yage Letters by William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg

Food of the Gods by Terence McKenna

Ayahuasca, mother of rebirth by Ankara

Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley

The Psychedelic Experience by Ralph Metzner, Timothy Leary, and Ram Das

Movies:

The reality of truth

Enter the void
DMT: the spirit molecule

Stepping into the fire

Metamorphosis

Ayahuasca the vine of the soul

Visionary artwork by: Alex Grey

 

Beso,

Marianne xo

Cumpleaños Nica style

…the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww! ~Jack Kerouac, On the road”

“Marianna te quieres a venir con nosotros?”

Angela – the housekeeper of our casa- wanted me to go out with her to celebrate “el mes de San Juan”-again. She looked really nice. I’m so used to see her in her working clothes that I barely recognized her all dolled up in a nice dress and a lot of pink make-up. I was just lounging in my yoga pants and didn’t really feel like putting in much effort on appearances. I’m not really here to impress anyone anyway…

“Well, porque no?” I yawned. It’s weekend and I probably won’t be able to get any sleep tonight from all the party noise in the streets. So I better join it.

Oh San Juan! You are a town that just really celebrates absolutely everything in life. Most people here have really little and life is far from easy down here and yet… every day and…night is a ongoing feast.

If it’s not dia del madre, dia del muertos, semana Santa, or Hipica carnival, then they sure find a another ‘dia del God knows what’ to blast loud reggeaton music, dress up in colorful clothes and dance all night.

Last week it sure was ‘dia de Marianna’.

Exactly a year ago I spent my birthday next a hospital bed praying to all the gods for not taking my sweet grandma away from me yet. This year feel so lucky because EVERYONE I love is healthy and still alive.

I decided to not waste time and just enjoy every second of creating amazing experiences.

I sipped too many pittaya margaritas (read 2) in an infinity pool, surfed until my arms fell off, went horseback riding in the jungle, saw dolphins, saluted the sun from a sailboat, had fun crazy times with Stephanie, took ukulele lessons, salsa lessons, laughed until my jaw hurt and danced, danced, danced all night long under the almost full moon.

Thank you San Juan, for reminding me that EVERY day is to be celebrated, that there is always something to be happy about, and most of all to not take things so seriously all the time. This is a third world country and last night I fell in love with everyone in town, having so little, but yet celebrating so hard. Valuing happiness over money, prioritizing time with the community, friends and family.

When our final days eventually arrive we won’t reflect on the long hours we spent at work, we will remember family, the places we travelled, inspiring people we’ve met, the mind blowing conversations till sunrise, the  hysterical laughs, the carefree dancing under the stars…

I only get to live this life once. If I’m lucky enough to make it to age 90 I have less than 800,000 hours between the time of my birth and the time I’ll die to cherish and enjoy all the things that make up this crazy dream. One third of that time I won’t even be awake for, so why not make the most of the remaining time, right?
As I was dancing to the music, swaying my hips to the sensual rhythm of this life I realized that my troubles aren’t as big as they seem. I gazed up to the black night sky and a warm cleansing rain came down kissing my cheeks, purifying my soul. There she is, our big mysterious universe, larger than I’ll ever be able to imagine. Filled with burning balls of gas, galaxies and solar systems beyond counting, and thousands of other civilizations fighting their own wars and facing their own challenges.

In a very real sense:

I. am. insignificant

What better reason could there be not to take your life too seriously?

Intoxicated by existence I smiled a million “thank you’s” back at her, thank you for this beautiful mysterious creation! Aaaaah yes, these are the moments when my bottled up wildness wants to break free and I get sparks in my eyes that send out electric currents as strong as lightning bolts, just looking to create a little bit of trouble here and there, the delicious pleasure found in interrupting the stagnation  that occurs when we simply just drift our days away.

The only thing that really matters is enjoying this crazy ride as much as we can and helping other people do the same.
I looked over and realized that, of course, I already lost Angela in the dancing mass. A stranger approached me and pulled me away from the crowd.
“Come, I know a fun place where we can go.”

Soaking wet, laughing and slaloming between the tropical raindrops, we disapeard  into another night of fun in San Juan.

Marianne xo