Wings of waves

IIMG_4484.JPGt was 4.30 am and still dark. Not pitch black, but a soft, diffused light already started to rise from the horizon. Like a ghost I quitely walked down the sleepy garden of Shanti Wasi, my little getaway place.

The soothing night sounds of the jungle surrounded me, as I strode calmly with bare feet over the cool and damp grass. I felt my inner lioness arising,  moving gracefully like a queen through the forest wilderniss. 

Something primal always comes over me when I’m close to nature. It just feels so right to be naked and free,
just like Mother Nature wanted me to be.

The stars above me were still twirling and dancing along the sky in various patterns, tugging at the corners of my lips in a way that it made me smile.

The beautiful -Costa Rican- Osa is my Soul Place. It’s the only place where I’ve experienced true unique feelings of belonging, awakening, empowerment and energetic rejuvenation. It’s my refuge, my hiding place, that always reconnects me with my soul and the sacred connection to nature. It’s a place where the veil between this world and the eternal world is transparent. A place where you can walk in two worlds- which isn’t to be perceived with the five senses.

Experiencing them goes beyond those limits.

I was alone in the dark. Nothing from the crazy city life could touch me here. Like a hunting lioness I ran down to the surf shack. I found the key hiding in the secret spot. I quietly opened the lock and pulled out the 9′.0″ longboard and rushed victorously towards the beach. For some reason I felt like I was secretly sneaking out of the house, without trying to wake my parents.

While making my way down the jungle trail, all I could feel was a warm breeze caressing my naked skin, all I could hear was the breaking of the waves in the distance. My heart racing, the Sirens in the sea were calling  my name.

The dark sky had now turned into a deep purple. The ocean didn’t look like an abyss of IMG_4336black, nor did it appear blue. Instead it looked like a metallic grey, with glinstering silver beams of the full moon dancing on the surface. Sitting on my knees, I paddled out slowely between the gentle, waist high, sets.

The water was welcoming warm, and with my feet dangling I felt the pulse of the rolling waves underneath me. It was as if I just paddled out into a whole new sacred dimension. I stared up at the sky and inhaled the silver glow of the moon. She smiled down at me with a love so intense it warmed my soul from the inside . There I was, sitting in the twilight, escaping the +11h land-locked work life from the city, not wanting to do anything but cry. But the look of the moon behind me, and the divine process of the rising sun in front of me, didn’t cause the storm to go on inside of me. Instead, while I sat in the middle of this powerful planetary line up, I felt a warm peaceful fire flickering up inside my heart. And soon it started to grow larger and larger, dissolving all of the dark emotions in its path. My worries burned away, and the tears that were starting to form at the corners of my eyes melted down my sleepy face with a rush of relief.

IMG_4635Crying feels good these days, especially when it’s tears that I don’t have or want to push away anymore. And these ones weren’t drops of sadness, no. They were more like the feelings of joy, relief, happiness and freedom streaming away from my hurt eyes. They were temporary cleaners to wash away all the chaos from the last few months.

Under the protection of millions of stars and the beautiful moon, I felt like I could let the floodgates open. The heaviness seemed to finally disappear into the ocean.

The heavy collective toxic stress of these crazy corporation driven societies, the existential anxiety and the sometimes suffocating loneliness it brings, the insanity….. it’s really easy to lose yourself in the physical ‘labyrinth’ and completely forget about our true home and deeper nature.

It all washed away with the soft lullaby that the waves sang along as the fiery orange sun finally showed up in the porcelain purple sky.

For a moment, wich felt like eternity,  everything became mysteriously quiet. A perfect set appeared in the horizon from where the mighty godlike sun rose.

I started paddeling and before I even realized it, I was already standing right on top of the water. The power of the wave pushed my board towards the shore, while I danced all the way up to the nose and back. I’m completely into longboarding again these days. There is just something really graceful about single fin riding.

It’s an art form.

There I was, all alone, right in the middle of natures divine spectacle – feeling the air, dancing on top of golden waves.

It was almost like being a bird with wings of waves…. soaring through the sweet tropical air.

You can really feel nature’s energy in the waves as you catch it.  You cut through the water and glide effortlessly. Sometimes it bends around you so you can ride inside.  It’s a true spiritual IMG_4474feeling of being closer to that what made us.

There are states of consciousness, in which you can pulsate with an energy that connects you with your own energy, and realize that THAT is the whole point of being alive. Just to go with this particular energy manifestation that is happening right at that moment–to be “it.”

and then, just as quick as it came, the whole experience dies on the shore.

The painful beauty of impermanence.

When you’re on a wave, time ceases exist, it calls you, draws you into itself, transports you into the presence of a world beyond this world. It moves you into the presence of the mysterious power.  Trying to describe this place is like trying to describe love or the existence of God.  All attempts are feeble and all talk is cheap.  Understanding marries  experience and full understanding is almost never achieved.

And though time did continue, the emotions that flowed stilled my soul.

The waking jungle behind me chirped an explicit background chant. The golden light softly caressed the land and ignited the birds into a chorus of melodies. White pelicans glided gracefully and effortlessly through the waking sky.

With breath paused in my lungs, I wished time would halt. It all felt as if I was on an enchanted, esoteric ride. That existence invited me to join an ancient, mysterious ceremony.
A familiar tease of melancholy visited… my natural tendency of wanting to cling to beauty.
The palmtrees shone as if they were wearing golden crowns and the vast sea was now painted in bright orange sparks of the sun.
IMG_4464“This will all makes sense one day….or maybe it wont” I smiled, while the soft amber glow warmed my face. In truth, once you’ve been initiated in such a magical place and allowed your spirit to absorb  that which transcends the senses, all need for definition of the deep mysteries of the Universe, ceases.
Restless soul, slowely but surely the cracks of that chronic broken heart will become secret portals to higher levels of existence. And oceans will rise within your body for a love that is so pure, that it’s undeniable.
 

I took one more wave; then another, and another, as the sky continued to light up into a live painting, I danced like a ballerina into the birth of day. Eventually,  absolutely everything turned golden.

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All the human illusions that were at play on land….were all far away from me now. Lost in the awe of everything, I remembered that this was the reason I decided to move to Costa Rica.

To dance harmoniously with the elements and forces of the ocean, to embody the rythms of nature….to lose myself in silent beauty.

To live any other way would be completely insane…

It’s all an experience…

and it’s closest to heaven that I’ll ever be in this human existence…

Home.

 

xo Marianne

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Thoughts behind the energy of desire

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ~ Louise Erdrich, The painted drum

 

img_3491Can we truly enjoy things without the charge of desire? Is it possible to look around in your inner or outer environment, and not want anything?  Can you be hungry and not want food? Horny and not want sex? Uncomfortable, yet not want comfort, ambitious yet not want achievement? These thoughts have been visiting my mind a lot lately, while dancing through my solitary days and the energies of desire that rise while doing so. When you shut down your desires, doesn’t it also become a ‘wanting’?  Don’t you think desire in and of itself is so delicious, and when fully revelled in, nothing less than the elixir of pure aliveness? From a Tantric perspective, desire is what drives us to connect with a higher intelligence.

These last 8 months I’ve been very organically letting go of everything… desires, needs, wants, hopes, dreams, fears, familiarity, ALL of it. To see if I could totally empty myself of everything. The weird thing about this ‘experiment’ is that some dreams  I once ‘wanted’ or fantasized about somehow naturally started to gravitate towards me. Only to notice that after I released the charge of that yearning, I don’t really ‘need’ or ‘want’ it that much anymore. The longer I am on this journey, the less I actually want…it’s a really weird feeling sometimes.

Am I becoming comfortably numb? A new survival mechanism? My counselor WebMD just told me that emotional numbness, and disinterest are signs of  depression 🙂

Or…am I on the path of ‘perfection’?

When nothing upsets you, you are at the beginning of the path. When you desire nothing, you are half way on the path, when nothing becomes everything, you are perfected. ~ Meher Baba

img_2626Well, ‘perfection’ might take me a while, as things definitely still upset me. If I ever thought I reached some sort of ‘enlightment’ recently, life decided to force me on my humble knees as ‘just’ going to work these days became my biggest spiritual practice in patience and humility…

For years I tried to find my ‘place’ in this world, and restlessly travelled to the farest corners of this planet. While watching sunsets on the most beautiful beaches, surfing secluded  surfspots and living in the most surreal places, I somehow always felt  like an unfulfilled, purposeless parasite. Not contributing to something bigger other than fulfilling my own self centered fantasies…

During these months of solitude, even though I’m experiencing some level of ’emotional numbness’, I’ve also never been more closely connected to desire. Only now learning to see the difference between what my true desires are and how to respond to them from the Spirit, rather than react to them from the selffulling Ego. I’m learning to shift my desires and daily intentions from ‘me’ to the benefit of All. And that is a whole other story.

Upon returning to Belgium 8 months ago I felt defeated in all my endeavors of building a life that I ‘wanted’. When operating out of ego, desire becomes really toxic, you become obsessed with the object of desire be it, a relationship, a certain job, money, fame, sex or…even spiritual enlightenment. After almost 4 years of travelling I decided to throw the towel in the ring last august 2016, and released the obsession of wanting to be and do something else than right where I was in that moment.

Only in the present I’m free from the ghosts of my stories. I need only to be, right where I am, to be blessed. I only need to inhabit this timespace with the me-ness to be full, to be empty, to breathe the place alive. I also started envisioning my future goals and  wishes to the benefit of others. What can I do on a daily basis to make make myself more useful to raise the vibration of this planet?  First of all I needed to raise my personal vibration by doing meditations, img_2637writing, exercising, breating,  eating high vibrational foods, and starting each day with a specific intention.

As the Universe has it own sense of humor, right after I decided I didn’t ‘want’ to be anywhere else anymore, ironically I now find myself living in Costa Rica… blessed with abundant gifts of opportunity and being of service in a country I once could only dream of to live and work for a sustainable period of time.
It all ‘just happened’ without me having to ‘force-manifest’ anything.

Go figure…

By fitting our desires within the boundary if the benefit for All, we align with Spirit, step out of ourselves and in to the power that allows us to achieve our goals.

Rumi said: “What you seek is seeking you.” We all have our own unique, deep-rooted aspirations that propel us forward.  It is what causes us to make the decisions we make in life, from the most simple, like the clothes we wear, to the most complex, like our career. The force is karma and it shapes our life’s purpose. When we keep the channel clear of toxic attatchements, we are able to honor our deepest desires and use them as seeds to manifest the life that we are meant to live, our soul’s calling.

Though working with the energy of desire is tricky because also denying and repressing builds a powerful magnetic charge. Like how my good old friend loneliness is keeping me up at night, tossing and turning while cuddling my pillow as if it were my husband.  In my experiences lately the only way through the energy is to acknowledge it an than seek to become that wich you desire. It is never about the object of desire, but the emotions surrounding it. Seeking to identify the psychological, mental, emotional, or spiritual need.  I realized in doing so in a sense you can meld with the desired object without having to necessarily physically satiate that desire, and we can respond to our desires gracefully and without attachment.

I do have the tendency to seclude myself in isolation,  I think at some levels it’s very nourishing, but at some point it also becomes toxic. Let’s be honest, you can cuddle your pillow to sleep only for so long, right?  Once the woman has connected to her divinity, breathed life into her body temple, transformed her pain into joy, manifested her empire, she becomes ready to knock on another door, and invite the energy of the Divine Masculine in, as he is the compliment, balance and partner to the Divine Feminine.

img_2738There is no fixed end destination in sight on this journey of solitude I’ve chosen to take. I believe it will unravel in it’s natural course. And even though that leaves the questions of why, when, and where wide open, I will continue to listen to my heart, as it’s now my only consultant… when trouble finds its way into my path or  loneliness keeping me up every night.

As the healing process continues, each day feels anew with the abundance of self-discovery. A dance between darkness and light, creating a new relationship with myself—one that is filled with honesty this time.

Who I am in this moment is alive, though she will not be when you read this. We die and are born so many times in this life. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship, it’s about being open to life…All I have is my time, here, now, stretching more or less forwards or backwards, somehow without existing at all.

Time itself will only ever embody in the present, which will never haunt as long as I take its hand to dance while it’s alive. Time will not wait until you’re ready. It has already swept you off your feet before you’ve realized how full of eternity “now” is and that you’re only ever ageless in its embrace. It’s an impatient young lover. It’s a tender, empathic old lover. It converses only with THIS beat of your heart and doesn’t care how many have come before or will come after.

xo Marianne

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“The essential key of intention, Matt Kahn” ~ truedivinenature.com, YouTube

Verde mar

It’s 8 pm and I’m driving home from the restaurant . A luxury I haven’t enjoyed for a very long time.
Dinner with dad was cozy as always. The older I get the more I really appreciate family time. My dad, brother and his girlfriend were all pleasantly talking the whole evening away. Most of the time I wasn’t really listening what everyone was saying as I was caught in the moment by looking into their eyes and changed facial features. Noticing how time, life transformed us, yet we’re all somehow still the same. Realizing how lucky I am to have this family I felt my heart expanding with love and admiration for how much we all have grown~together.
It’s a hot late-summer night and the moon is out, it’s almost a full moon, and she’s looking so big and pretty I feel like I could just reach out my car window and hug her. I rolled all the windows down, to let the wind blow my hair, making it into tangles. While listening to the soul stirring music of Chambao I decide to take the long way home. Driving just makes me feel so free. I can remember those days I would just get in my car and drove just for the heck of it.
I treasure anything that makes me feel free. Driving, cuts away constraints, makes life simple and leaves me worry free and confident to go on adventures. It gives me choices. When I drive it’s me who gets to decide where and when to go.

The song Verde Mar comes on. I feel a rush of emotion moving through me. The words of the song, the sound of her voice, the guitar, all while driving into the magical full moon night somehow feels so intense. I pull over to the side of the road. I turn up the volume and put my head on the steering wheel. I close my eyes so I can concentrate on the beautiful lyrics and the emotions it stirs.
I take a deep inhale while feeling every word resonate inside my body. The air in my lungs becomes sweeter and I feel a sharp shot of happiness, straight up my body into the air overhead. Contemplating, feeling, smiling, remembering,…

Music is medicine.

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I keep praying to be able to love better, to be open to a love bigger than my little self can channel alone, so that I can be, it sounds so egotistical, but… a conduit of it for others, for them to feel loved, too. Actually, ‘How may I serve’ and ‘Thank You’ are my only loud and conscious requests as of late.

Realizing it’s difficult, to trust your heart in this day and age, to open it, even to the divine.

There is so much beauty in the world. And the greatest shame is missing those sweet opportunities~not taking the time to pull over to the side of the road to allow yourself to bathe in it….and that in those opportunities it becomes evident what a small role we really play.

There’s so much soaring freedom in this reality. Even in these mundane routinious days lately, these weeks, despite their monotonous flavor, are bright winking stars in my universe, forming important constellations that will tell me about my life. I will feel grateful for them, looking back, trying to understand my path of existence.
It feels awfully amazing and full to feel grateful for them now, too.

Enjoyyyyyy:  Verde Mar~Chambao

Verde mar, gotas del cielo caía
Eres tú, quien al oído me decía

Una luz, que mi alma iluminó

Eres tu, el de las palabra bellas
El que me enseñó el camino

Sin salir de mi destino

Eres tú, eres tú

El que solo con palabras

Conquistó mi corazón

Quiéreme, dime que nunca te irás
Que podré seguir soñando

Que podré seguir amando

Eres tú, eres tú

El que solo con palabras

Conquistó mi corazón

A demon called Fear

I think from the exact moment of my arrival on this planet, I have lived with a fire inside, a yearning, an innate wildness captured in the essence of myself. I have greeted this world with journeys to unknown shores far away from home. On these journeys I discovered the Ocean and mother Ayahuasca as my teacher and my medicine. I discovered LIFE on the road and in the stinging salt of the waves; constantly humbled by the possibility of death that hangs in the crest of each hungry break. Always walking away reborn,  cleansed by the everlasting power of this planet and fulfilled with a fundamental need to experience ALL of it.

Mother Ayahuasca called me to her teachings three years ago.  To then be initiated and violently stripped of my concept of  what I thought ‘reality’ was. I wanted a very naive ‘quick fix’ for my existential crisis. What I got in return was a paralyzing fear, unbearable anxiety, depression, confusion, and a three year battle with the feelings of suffocation of my spirit in this human incarnation.

Little did I know this was only the start and a necessary humbling process of my rebirth.

On a random night in Nicaragua I felt the magnetic pull to sit with her again. Even though I previously said ‘never again, I reserved my spot in the circle. Once you start a relationship with this plant, it’s her teachings and the evolution of your soul that basically pulls the strings. Even when my poor threatened ego wasn’t very happy with the decision, I took the pilgrimage back home to the jungles of Costa Rica.

The presence of Mother Ayahuasca swoop over me as soon as I arrived in the well familiar jungle. Being back felt uncomfortable but at the same time I felt right where I needed to be…home.

The evening of the ceremony arrived fast. While watching every brave soul in the circle with admiration I was the first one invited to drink. Already feeling an unbearable pain in my stomach all I wanted to do was to run away crying. I received the cup of sacred tea. I bowed “Please be gentle, I’m open to recieve your teachings for my healing in gratitude” I whispered  and as soon as I drank, it kicked right in.

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“Salud Marianne” they all cheered. Feeling really heavy I crawled on hands and knees back to my spot. I felt sad and tired. Sad because I knew she was going to force me out of my fresh established comfort zone once again.

I tried to resist her very fast rising within me. I knew there was no way. I surrendered to the discomfort and felt sadness well up… Sadness of feeling not being in control of anything from this point. And oh how I love to be in control. She spoke that it was not going to be pleasant for a while, and that we were going to walk through the gates of hell once again. Revisiting some familiar places where we left off last time. The only difference this time was that I was offered a chance to practice the ‘tools’ I have learned these last few years to find ‘ease’ in times of discomfort and challenge.

I fixated on my breath and the Icaros. I surrendered to the healing words during moments of anguish. I stared to get visions of moving snakes covered in shipibo patterns, scary demon monkey’s and  I was entering the eternal portal where time doesn’t exist.

Yes, that familiar void where I’ve been held captive before. For a month, sixty-thousand years, or an hour? It was all the same.

“Stay centered, breathe, be brave, survive. Fear is not real. I am LOVE” I repeated this mantra over and over.

Physically overwhelmed by cramping and stomach pains, I started to feel my body lose strength. A demon stabbed my stomach, and weighted heavy on my entire body. I was suffocating, couldn’t breathe,  the pain was all consuming. I could barely hold my body up as I held on tight to the pole I was leaning on for assistance. I concentrated as best as I could on the Icaros, who were echoing in my fragile bones. I knew it was coming…

The Icaros grew heavy with intention. Collectively we were all at war with a very consuming, weighty darkness. My body collapsed entirely from weakness, leaving  it in a pile of suffering on the floor. Falling into helpless despair, I couldn’t lift my head or speak a word. I felt I was dying, I was scared. My consciousness became overwhelmed once more by demonic darkness, pain, petrified it may never return to the light.

As soon as I was about to fall into the rabbit hole of infinite terror again, out of nowhere a vision of a familiar ‘earth angel’ appeared. Weeks before the ceremony we magically ‘stumbled’ upon each other on energetic level. Little did I know that this beautiful teacher, made from the stars, built upon the power of mighty ancestors would share simple but necessary words of medicine to inspire me to navigate through the most challenging part of my shamanic journey.

“Breathe, do not resist the discomfort, move with it, do not work against it…It’s almost over…and I am with you.”

This message made me feel so supported  and I felt safe to allow it all move through me. I embraced the scary situation with the help of this mystery man while holding on to a very powerful Icaro. Before I knew it all my demons and pain vanished like smoke.

Fear is a self created illusion.

I got a little lost…and the only direction I could seem to navigate led me straight to the clarity of the mysterious healing presence of this beautiful human. Helping me and guiding me through a very dark challenge. Opening the way to surrender and remember the ‘tools’ to exercise this darkness out of my psyche. My love and admiration for this charming Lightworker consumed me. It reminded me that absolutely everyone you meet on your path is a teacher or angel in disguise. Our bodies might be tied to the limited views of the ego and the linear timeline of earth. Our souls are not. We connected  in Spirit first, to then be blessed to experience a brief, dreamy, heart opening, transformational adventure in the physical world. Gone before I even realized it was there, missed before I knew I had it.

I have a tendency to over-romanticize things, but honestly this level of alignment with someone was something that I had always daydreamed of. An other worldly experience of purifying love pouring through hearts and  bodies, raising energy, and simply the result of two people willing to come together with open hearts. This planned encounter between souls had the essence and wisdom far beyond the space where time exists.

Vibrating with regained power and embracing the primitive lioness warrior within me, I thought of my mother, my grandmother, ex-boyfriend, a close friend,…

I felt so deeply the discomfort and the weight of their pain. Their struggles with addiction, anxiety, depression,….

“Stop trying to fix all these people!” This was not the first time mother Aya warned me for this repetitive, self destructive pattern.

I (subconsciously) believe that when the ones we love are hurting, their pain trumps everything. Their pain gets top priority, and whatever goals and dreams I’ve been working toward vanish in comparison.  I thought that love meant tending to the other person’s needs first—always. And this form of self-sacrifice comes very naturally to me. Fixing other people can easily become a destructive self-identity.

“Share your talents and resources. Generously give your time and attention. But you cannot pour a magical tonic on the wounds of every person walking the planet. It’s not your job.”

After this realization, I cuddled into my own body under my blanket.

I felt tired.

My heart was beating. My heart… beating in my chest and I heard it like the gong of a ceremonial practice taking over the whole jungle. MY heart is beating and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. It’s opening, and eternal love is pulsing right through it, non-stop, for free, expanding its level of intelligence.

“The love you seek is already present, every second of the day”.

Right there, on the floor, holding myself  like I always wished  a lover would hold me during lonely nights, I discovered a much needed and infinite source of self-love.


I received beautiful golden visions of sacred Union and the divine dance of Shakti and Shiva. Teachings about how intimate relationships are one of the greatest and most profound sources of personal and spiritual growth. How we can come together to honor the divine within ourselves and within each other. Relationships shouldn’t be based on dependency, obligation, sacrifice or selfishness, but are here for personal and spiritual development. Connecting to the scared feminine and masculine within ourselves and then growing and honoring this energy with a partner.

Laying between cushions and blankets  I felt waves of bliss vibrating trough my body…I slowly returned to this dimension. While I was admiring the stars in the night sky I  felt like a mermaid swimming in an Ocean of love, surrounded and supported by my soulfamily. I’m at home in the Pura Vida lands and I love and worship those jungles more than words can ever express. I was dancing through glistening waves and stars in the sky, reflecting the glow of the moon.

And right in that very moment, absolutely everything made perfectly sense.

The true discipline of ayahuasca integrates long after the ceremonies end. I walked away with a gaping hole inside once filled with a demon, a physical representation of fears I harbored deep within. Fear is an insidious virus living in all of us. If you let it, if you don’t actively resist fear, it will sink in deeply, and spread a cancer at the molecular level that will paralyze you. Fear is an illusion, one fails before one tries, one judges before one acts.

Ayahuasca forced me to relive this hell, to face these demonic anxieties once and for all, so I could empirically know, even when faced with my own death, the demon I have inside will lose to the savage female fighter, every time. I may never be free of fears, but I will never surrender to them either. Ayahuasca bestowed on me the responsibility to restlessly pursue the true capability of the light that shines within.

I am committed to this kind of soul work and I will return to go deeper July 2017!  Thanks to ayahuasca I look at this splendorous world with new empowered eyes, with more breath in my lungs, toes curling deep into the earth, and consistent unwavering love in my heart. I wake to every rising sun with unsurmountable energy and existential lust for the future of this world. Equally grateful to live, as I am to have died.

Cumpleaños Nica style

…the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww! ~Jack Kerouac, On the road”

“Marianna te quieres a venir con nosotros?”

Angela – the housekeeper of our casa- wanted me to go out with her to celebrate “el mes de San Juan”-again. She looked really nice. I’m so used to see her in her working clothes that I barely recognized her all dolled up in a nice dress and a lot of pink make-up. I was just lounging in my yoga pants and didn’t really feel like putting in much effort on appearances. I’m not really here to impress anyone anyway…

“Well, porque no?” I yawned. It’s weekend and I probably won’t be able to get any sleep tonight from all the party noise in the streets. So I better join it.

Oh San Juan! You are a town that just really celebrates absolutely everything in life. Most people here have really little and life is far from easy down here and yet… every day and…night is a ongoing feast.

If it’s not dia del madre, dia del muertos, semana Santa, or Hipica carnival, then they sure find a another ‘dia del God knows what’ to blast loud reggeaton music, dress up in colorful clothes and dance all night.

Last week it sure was ‘dia de Marianna’.

Exactly a year ago I spent my birthday next a hospital bed praying to all the gods for not taking my sweet grandma away from me yet. This year feel so lucky because EVERYONE I love is healthy and still alive.

I decided to not waste time and just enjoy every second of creating amazing experiences.

I sipped too many pittaya margaritas (read 2) in an infinity pool, surfed until my arms fell off, went horseback riding in the jungle, saw dolphins, saluted the sun from a sailboat, had fun crazy times with Stephanie, took ukulele lessons, salsa lessons, laughed until my jaw hurt and danced, danced, danced all night long under the almost full moon.

Thank you San Juan, for reminding me that EVERY day is to be celebrated, that there is always something to be happy about, and most of all to not take things so seriously all the time. This is a third world country and last night I fell in love with everyone in town, having so little, but yet celebrating so hard. Valuing happiness over money, prioritizing time with the community, friends and family.

When our final days eventually arrive we won’t reflect on the long hours we spent at work, we will remember family, the places we travelled, inspiring people we’ve met, the mind blowing conversations till sunrise, the  hysterical laughs, the carefree dancing under the stars…

I only get to live this life once. If I’m lucky enough to make it to age 90 I have less than 800,000 hours between the time of my birth and the time I’ll die to cherish and enjoy all the things that make up this crazy dream. One third of that time I won’t even be awake for, so why not make the most of the remaining time, right?
As I was dancing to the music, swaying my hips to the sensual rhythm of this life I realized that my troubles aren’t as big as they seem. I gazed up to the black night sky and a warm cleansing rain came down kissing my cheeks, purifying my soul. There she is, our big mysterious universe, larger than I’ll ever be able to imagine. Filled with burning balls of gas, galaxies and solar systems beyond counting, and thousands of other civilizations fighting their own wars and facing their own challenges.

In a very real sense:

I. am. insignificant

What better reason could there be not to take your life too seriously?

Intoxicated by existence I smiled a million “thank you’s” back at her, thank you for this beautiful mysterious creation! Aaaaah yes, these are the moments when my bottled up wildness wants to break free and I get sparks in my eyes that send out electric currents as strong as lightning bolts, just looking to create a little bit of trouble here and there, the delicious pleasure found in interrupting the stagnation  that occurs when we simply just drift our days away.

The only thing that really matters is enjoying this crazy ride as much as we can and helping other people do the same.
I looked over and realized that, of course, I already lost Angela in the dancing mass. A stranger approached me and pulled me away from the crowd.
“Come, I know a fun place where we can go.”

Soaking wet, laughing and slaloming between the tropical raindrops, we disapeard  into another night of fun in San Juan.

Marianne xo

 

 

 

Whatever is on land is behind me now….

Where do I begin? It has been quite a crazy journey already. All starting

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thank Gods and Godesses for these!

with trying to escape from Belgium to Amsterdam during  a national railway strike, having delayed flights, US boarder harassment, racing like crazy across Texas airport to catch my connecting flight, arriving way too late in Managua, overpaying a taxi driver to get to SJDS in the middle of the night, beating jet lag, having heated discussions about the price of a surfboard, dealing with the usual unwelcome verbally agressive and sexual advances of the locals, forgetting my Visa card in an ATM, discovering that crying in public gets you things done faster (yeah that happened) and the crazy hassle of finding me a decent  and princess worthy home.

…And all of that while still processing the painful break up with B.

Well…It’s all an ongoing learning experience. And I also know once the ego is done feeling sorry for itself, love, gratitude and understanding will always return. It definitely takes a humble and gracious heart to understand what it means to see yourself reflected back at you, without falling into blaming, judgement and victimizing. Also resisting  on imposing your own standards of evolution upon another, is a big one. Everything ultimately comes back to Love in the end, but only after the journey has served it’s purpose teaching us what we need to know.

La Pura Vida-or here in Nica: Diakachimba, comes with a price BUT aaaaaah it’s so worth it. Finally back in the tropics after being landlocked in Europa way too long. Slowly but surely arriving, swaying in my hammock, ocean crashing in the background, Thor rumbling it up in the sky and the familiar sounds of this town, birds, wind, rain, church bell, construction, all  vibrating together, harmonizing,…

I’m staying in a gorgeous unique place: Maison Adria, owned by a retired Italian woman. The really amazing thing about this place is that it’s just the two of us staying here. Far away from all the crazy drunk party animals.  She doesn’t really rent out on people she doesn’t know, which means that I have the whole palace all to myself. I discovered this gem by coincidence when I happened to walk by on my quest for a place to stay. Our eyes met and she could probably read my despair and  hopelessness. The unplanned last minute appartment search was really an exhausting disaster. She invited me in and gave me a tour around the casa.

The house has one open and gigantic central space on the first floor. There are no windows and everything is supported by big tree trunks. It feels like I’m in a big luxury tree house. There is a ridiculous abundance of space. The wind dances freely through the rooms and occasionally a bird stops by to say hello. There is a wonderful atmosphere of peace and quiet, another great pleasure that is very difficult to find here in San Juan. The residence overlooks the bay and mango trees. My room has high ceilings and smells like wood. The bed is princess worthy big and has even better quality than mine at home. The bathroom walls are a gorgeous combination of natural stones and an artistic colorful mosaic. Everything gets cleaned every day, oh and I don’t have to bother making my own bed.

In short , I felt right at home !

mi cama

Finally settling in and having time to reflect on everything, the last few years have been quite heart opening, humbling, exciting and exhausting to say the least, but genuinely grateful for the experiences. I struggled a long time in finding a balance between my yearning for adventure and returning to a work routine and the daily life in Belgium. Looking back, still shaking my head while writing this, getting my restless soul back in a steady routine, and the closeness of family and friends, has actually been my medicine in finding my center again. Instead of just drifting wherever the wind and the waves would take me, leaving me most of the time very anxious, depleted and defeated. I was a wreck in every way: physically, spiritually,emotionally and mentally. Finding a steady rhythm is truly an art, one that takes discipline and work. Daily routine, also known as dinacharya in Sanskrit, can help us make positive changes in our lives. Ayurvedic medicine encourages setting a routine to cultivate balance, clarity and vitality in our lives. I now try to keep those principals in mind even during traveling. Using daily routines as an anchor though the day:

  1. 6.00am: morning meditation
  2. 6.30-7.30 am: beach running
  3. 8.00am: breakfast
  4. 9.00am-12.00pm: Spanish class or yoga
  5. 13.00pm: lunch
  6. Morning/Afternoon: surfing-depending on the tides
  7. 18.00pm: dinner
  8. Writing, reading, socializing, fun,….

These very simple routines has not only restored my health, but even more my emotional balance and brought joy, hope and purpose to my life.

In slowly  taking baby steps in aligning my life with my True Self, I received some good news yesterday regarding a job I applied for right before I left. These last few years I mostely worked non-commital jobs, wich was fun but far from ideal on longer term. This opportunity will give me the perfect combo of being of useful service to my community and our possible future leaders 🙂 having a decent steady income to sustain myself, but most importantly: tons of free time to travel to new undiscovered beaches.


In the eye of the storm, spiraling, riding the twists and turns that this beautiful life brings. Each moment is so rich and full, I can truly taste the bittersweetness of everything. My senses stimulated, my mind a cluttered thankful mess, my body continuously healing, waking up to the infinite possibilities; an ongoing journey of finding peace and love within. Each moment that I choose to authentically show up, my experiences become more deep and full, my gifts to the world more genuine.

LIFE, like the unpredictable waves of the sea, truly beautiful in all its magic and mystery. As the years have past, I continue to experience an abundance of unexpected lessons in life, love and health that are not always easy to confront, honestly painful at times, but I feel I’m here to do the work on this Earth and face it all. With eyes wide open, gazing with wonder and awe. Leaning into every emotion, dismissing nothing, feeling all the feelings – ridiculously and fully. Stepping back into my body, shedding what no longer serves me one day at a time. I continue to gather the pieces of the puzzle, along my journey, humbled, inspired to share a piece of my experience with you-whoever you are.

Me need to share my words scare me as I sit and let the harsh first light of day wash over them. Yet silencing myself is a battle I that I have no desire to wage again ~Kate Rose

With discipline and dedication, dreams can become reality. So never give up on your creative projects and visions. Release the fear of failing. AND if you do fail. Get up and try again. The time is now.  Who knows what the future will hold?

One thing I know for sure is that the sun will set this evening, and when a new day rises tomorrow,  this girl is paddling out into brand new beginnings.

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Schiphol airport

And for the next two months, whatever is going on on land…

… is behind me now!

xo Marianne

 

Nica y Costa Rica, una vez más! 

San Juan del Sur~Nicaragua

Love it or hate it…

Ok, it has it’s crazy Sunday fun day pub crawls and loud parties, but also the most stunning sunsets, charming colorful little Victorian houses, the best coffee, breathtaking coastline and just a little bit north the most beautiful surf spots with warm and perfect world class waves.

I really closed this colorful little fishing town into my heart.Town-San-Juan-del-Sur

Almost 2,5 years ago I stranded there a bit lost and purposeless on a random visa run from Costa Rica. I fell for San Juan right away, and ended up getting a job as a  Thai Massage therapist at the local Yoga studio. The sweet vibe of this town made me decide to settle down there for about a year.

Usually I  don’t like to travel to the same place twice, but  this time I’m feeling the magnetic pull to revisit my old home base. As if I need to go back to end a long healing cycle and  make up for some lost time when I lived there. I couldn’t fully enjoy the  place back then while I was journeying through some deep soul work and unforgiving darkness. A lot of the time I found myself cocooned, introspective, and antisocial. Looking back I feel I want to reexperience these magical places with new and healed eyes.

 When you’re lost, you don’t have a direction and when you have no direction, you have no desire. When you have no desire, you have no want or need of anything and when you have no want or need of anything: this is when you’re soul will speak.

Sometimes getting lost is the best way to find yourself. It just takes a while to fully understand what your wise heart truly, selflessly and completely wants you to see and understand. This, then sets you on a new path, a radical change that may have been desperately needed and one that puts you into alignment with your mind, body, heart and soul. The length of these cycles can vary, or even keep repeating themselves until you ‘get’ it. Each and every one of us go through these momentum shifts in the course of our lives. It’s been 4 years now that I’ve been radically slowing down and making big changes in my lifestyle… and that is okay…because sometimes going slow is the best way to reach where you want to be!

Finally things are starting to come together and I’ve been immersing out of this incubator period at my own pace. It feels like a thick mist is clearing and I’m starting to see things in a whole new perspective. Birthing a truer, happier and more authentic me with new goals and direction. I’m experiencing a new found longing and courage. I have no idea what to expect, but I know it feels right to spread my gypsy wings again.

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Caimito fruit~dessert just grows on trees there

Definitely planning on jumping borders to my beloved Costa Rica too! I can’t wait to reconnect with friends, sip pipa fria’s after surfing, a lot of hammock time with good books, and savoring the most delicious tropical fruits whenever I want. Longing so desperately to re-establish my connection with Mother Earth, going on barefoot adventures, while listening to the nurturing sounds of the rain forest.  Nothing in this world makes me feel more connected with life all around as diving deep into her magical jungles. It truly gives you the capacity to open up to something that’s much bigger than yourself. Through nature you’ll transform, awaken and heal! We do NOT come from concrete, and my current situation may take my body out of the jungle for longer periods of time…but you can NEVER take the jungle out of my soul!Iphone backup 2 653

I am an adventurer, always have been and perhaps always will be. There is just too much on this wonderful Earth to do and far away places to explore.

Here’s to new adventures about life, love, spirituality… and self development…

…time to paddle out again!

See you in in a few months Belgica! I will be back, but forgive me you know I always take the long way home (<-click)   🙂

Love,

xo Marianne

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gone surfing