Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ~ Louise Erdrich, The painted drum
Can we truly enjoy things without the charge of desire? Is it possible to look around in your inner or outer environment, and not want anything? Can you be hungry and not want food? Horny and not want sex? Uncomfortable, yet not want comfort, ambitious yet not want achievement? These thoughts have been visiting my mind a lot lately, while dancing through my solitary days and the energies of desire that rise while doing so. When you shut down your desires, doesn’t it also become a ‘wanting’? Don’t you think desire in and of itself is so delicious, and when fully revelled in, nothing less than the elixir of pure aliveness? From a Tantric perspective, desire is what drives us to connect with a higher intelligence.
These last 8 months I’ve been very organically letting go of everything… desires, needs, wants, hopes, dreams, fears, familiarity, ALL of it. To see if I could totally empty myself of everything. The weird thing about this ‘experiment’ is that some dreams I once ‘wanted’ or fantasized about somehow naturally started to gravitate towards me. Only to notice that after I released the charge of that yearning, I don’t really ‘need’ or ‘want’ it that much anymore. The longer I am on this journey, the less I actually want…it’s a really weird feeling sometimes.
Am I becoming comfortably numb? A new survival mechanism? My counselor WebMD just told me that emotional numbness, and disinterest are signs of depression 🙂
Or…am I on the path of ‘perfection’?
When nothing upsets you, you are at the beginning of the path. When you desire nothing, you are half way on the path, when nothing becomes everything, you are perfected. ~ Meher Baba
Well, ‘perfection’ might take me a while, as things definitely still upset me. If I ever thought I reached some sort of ‘enlightment’ recently, life decided to force me on my humble knees as ‘just’ going to work these days became my biggest spiritual practice in patience and humility…
For years I tried to find my ‘place’ in this world, and restlessly travelled to the farest corners of this planet. While watching sunsets on the most beautiful beaches, surfing secluded surfspots and living in the most surreal places, I somehow always felt like an unfulfilled, purposeless parasite. Not contributing to something bigger other than fulfilling my own self centered fantasies…
During these months of solitude, even though I’m experiencing some level of ’emotional numbness’, I’ve also never been more closely connected to desire. Only now learning to see the difference between what my true desires are and how to respond to them from the Spirit, rather than react to them from the selffulling Ego. I’m learning to shift my desires and daily intentions from ‘me’ to the benefit of All. And that is a whole other story.
Upon returning to Belgium 8 months ago I felt defeated in all my endeavors of building a life that I ‘wanted’. When operating out of ego, desire becomes really toxic, you become obsessed with the object of desire be it, a relationship, a certain job, money, fame, sex or…even spiritual enlightenment. After almost 4 years of travelling I decided to throw the towel in the ring last august 2016, and released the obsession of wanting to be and do something else than right where I was in that moment.
Only in the present I’m free from the ghosts of my stories. I need only to be, right where I am, to be blessed. I only need to inhabit this timespace with the me-ness to be full, to be empty, to breathe the place alive. I also started envisioning my future goals and wishes to the benefit of others. What can I do on a daily basis to make make myself more useful to raise the vibration of this planet? First of all I needed to raise my personal vibration by doing meditations, writing, exercising, breating, eating high vibrational foods, and starting each day with a specific intention.
By fitting our desires within the boundary if the benefit for All, we align with Spirit, step out of ourselves and in to the power that allows us to achieve our goals.
Rumi said: “What you seek is seeking you.” We all have our own unique, deep-rooted aspirations that propel us forward. It is what causes us to make the decisions we make in life, from the most simple, like the clothes we wear, to the most complex, like our career. The force is karma and it shapes our life’s purpose. When we keep the channel clear of toxic attatchements, we are able to honor our deepest desires and use them as seeds to manifest the life that we are meant to live, our soul’s calling.
Though working with the energy of desire is tricky because also denying and repressing builds a powerful magnetic charge. Like how my good old friend loneliness is keeping me up at night, tossing and turning while cuddling my pillow as if it were my husband. In my experiences lately the only way through the energy is to acknowledge it an than seek to become that wich you desire. It is never about the object of desire, but the emotions surrounding it. Seeking to identify the psychological, mental, emotional, or spiritual need. I realized in doing so in a sense you can meld with the desired object without having to necessarily physically satiate that desire, and we can respond to our desires gracefully and without attachment.
I do have the tendency to seclude myself in isolation, I think at some levels it’s very nourishing, but at some point it also becomes toxic. Let’s be honest, you can cuddle your pillow to sleep only for so long, right? Once the woman has connected to her divinity, breathed life into her body temple, transformed her pain into joy, manifested her empire, she becomes ready to knock on another door, and invite the energy of the Divine Masculine in, as he is the compliment, balance and partner to the Divine Feminine.
There is no fixed end destination in sight on this journey of solitude I’ve chosen to take. I believe it will unravel in it’s natural course. And even though that leaves the questions of why, when, and where wide open, I will continue to listen to my heart, as it’s now my only consultant… when trouble finds its way into my path or loneliness keeping me up every night.
As the healing process continues, each day feels anew with the abundance of self-discovery. A dance between darkness and light, creating a new relationship with myself—one that is filled with honesty this time.
Who I am in this moment is alive, though she will not be when you read this. We die and are born so many times in this life. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship, it’s about being open to life…All I have is my time, here, now, stretching more or less forwards or backwards, somehow without existing at all.
Time itself will only ever embody in the present, which will never haunt as long as I take its hand to dance while it’s alive. Time will not wait until you’re ready. It has already swept you off your feet before you’ve realized how full of eternity “now” is and that you’re only ever ageless in its embrace. It’s an impatient young lover. It’s a tender, empathic old lover. It converses only with THIS beat of your heart and doesn’t care how many have come before or will come after.
“The essential key of intention, Matt Kahn” ~ truedivinenature.com, YouTube