Brahman means “the divine” or “ultimate,” charya means “the path.”
Slowely waking up to the soft morning winds of beautiful Escazu, my body feeling flushed with blissful sparkles and a naughty smile, resulting from a very amorous dream.
Oh my, that was a treat, as I am officially celebrating my 6th month of “Brachmacharya” or celibacy.
I consciously decided that it was time to take my “Yoga” to the next level and abstain from dating and the passions of the flesh for…well…I don’t know how long honestly.
An indefinite time.
It all feels like a very natural reaction to an intense realization I had during last year’s Ayahuasca ceremony: the Union of the Divine feminine and masculine within…
This last connection has been such a transformational catalyst to all my deeply engrained unhealed patterns that are still out of alignment with… Love.
Really? Me? Out of alignment? You mean practicing asana and bombarding your body and soul with plant medicine is not enough to finally get to that point?
Existence slapped little miss ‘ignorant’ in the face once again and out of nowhere I was humbly exposed to all my unhealed stuff. Body issues, really? Still? Childhood issues? Past hurt issues… Oh, and what about those emotional co-dependent issues?! Attachment issues, anxiety, fear…. Like really? You are still in there, still dictating my experiences in this dimension?
Well…I must say I got spiritually discouraged there…I’ve always been a slow learner, naively thinking that drinking some Ayahuasca tea will solve absolutely everything overnight and would ‘fast track’ my awakening process.
Probably the biggest ignorant joke I’ve been telling myself.
Patience has never been my strong suit but how long does it have to take to go through this never ending purging process? Will there ever be a state of ‘being’ on this plane of existence without all this absorbed negativity or ancestral ‘baggage’ ? The more stuff you purge, the more new stuff seems to rise…
In my chaotic search for truth these last few months I found some ‘hope’ in a very interesting perspective by Matt Kahn. He boldly presents here an alternative path out of this never ending healing cycle.
Ohhhh, YES PLEASE, sign me UP! Get me out of this clearing and purging curse.
He states, that not until under the power of your own Divine authority YOU move yourself out of the healing purification phase on to the next one.
Really? That’s it? It all honestly can end, today?
Well, monsieur ‘perfect enlightenedness’ Kahn as always it is way easier said than done. Nevertheless, that has become my daily mission for these last 6 months. And boy how did life change a 180 degrees!
For one, practicing the art of conservation, yet in a different way exploring the creative power of sexual energy. Then converting this powerful energy in spiritual energy has been more transformational than any practice I’ve ever tried (thank you Osho).
Brachmacharya is considered one of the cornerstones of a serious yoga practice and I feel it did bring me ‘some sort’ of next level.
Many people mistakenly believe that practicing Brahmacharya means suppression of the natural sexual instincts. Suppression is not what is wanted, because anything that is suppressed will eventually be released with redoubled force when an opportunity arises.
The proper way to practice Brahmacharya is to sublimate these natural urges into a strong yoga practice that includes meditation(! lots and lots and lots!), asanas, pranayama, and in tradition reading of scriptures or yogic texts. Mostely for me it also meant… A LOT of running, fantasising (haha), cold showers, painting, latenight podcasts, oh and alot of Gregg Braden, Matt Kahn and Upbeabudda YouTube video’s.
So what has changed during these 6 months?
- Increased peace, less distracted by someone else’s story
- More emotionally independent. Recovering faster from the ‘darker’ days
- Extreme chocolate yearnings, followed by occasional binges
- Feeling more confident, yet still humbly insecure
- Energy and fitness levels are skyrocketing…it’s insane
- Feeling more empowered
- A deeper connection to All
- Feeling a deeper soul connection with family, friends,…. Regardless our karmic issues
- Loneliness is my friend now
- Fiding extreme comfort in baby cuddles and animals (possible early symptom of serious crazy catwoman issues)
- A breeze of wind or sunshine on my skin feels like a full on tantric experience
- Deeper focus in goals and finally taking steps towards materializing lifelong dreams; moving to my soulplace Costa Rica, combined with meaningful work of service and teaching
- Chocolate! Lots and lots of cho co la te!!!
That and so much more has changed, in a very short amount of time I feel!
Finally becoming aware of some recurring relationship issues I decided that I’m ready to level it up and move on from these outdated patterns, towards a life of deep spiritual partnership.
I’ve outgrown the scared indecisive boys who are only willing to dip their toes in shallow water for fear of the deep. Boys who like to keep things very simple, and uncomplicated. Nothing serious or too complex, or no long term commitments that make you actually feel something more than just…lust.
And with all of that I’m pointing fingers at me, myself and I here as I realize that constantly attracting this hot and cold, “one leg in, one leg out” dynamic is nothing but a reflection of all MY deep unhealed issues and insecurities. Echoed back at me, through these wonderful teachers, the mirrors of my soul.
It was really fun and I’m feeling blessed for these experiences, but now, to me, the beautiful complicated deep mysteries of someone’s soul, is the only place worth my time of exploring.
To overcome compulsive behavior, one needs to engage in a conscious process. One should be more aware of compulsive forces that influence this negative drive. Becoming conscious about these forces allow us to make a choice rather than act in ways that bring about troubles in life.
So I’m clearing space here and keeping that delicious, potent energy pure for my future Shiva, my warrior. Holding it for my true king, who is soulready and not afraid, ready to walk with the same energy frequency. Brave and loyal, deep and passionate…
Maybe I will find him, maybe I won’t, it doesn’t really matter for he is no longer the hero of this story anymore.
I do believe that sex holds the key to our spiritual evolution. And most definitely would love to experience it again some day. But the key word here is conscious lovemaking with a heartfelt connection to the Divine as opposed to the self-satisfaction and gratification. Respecting one another, embracing differences and harnessing strengths, is where trust and love will conquer over dependency, jealousy and manipulation.
In the past, letting go of someone or those I’ve loved and worshipped more than life itself has probably been one my most painful initiations. Yet by doing so it enriched and deepened my connections and life experiences. Letting go of people we love still sounds very insensitive. It’s so hard to move on without the ones you thought that would never leave your side. It takes an attitude of deep humility to finally take responsibility for your own ‘stuff’, instead bombarding it and blaming it onto someone else. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to face,cradle and comfort your own demons when they come visit you in the middle of the night.
Yet it has proved to be the most productive shift I have ever practiced.
People come and people go, life dies and life moves on.
I am someone..but will be nothing, I am confident.. but humbly insecure.. I am brave.. yet absoultley terrified… and working towards accepting absolutely every aspect of that complex beautiful ‘me’ will be my salvation. This is the unconditional love that I always needed and wanted in my life, but kept seeking from another, only to be left disappointed or hurt.
Instead of putting unrealistic expectations and hopes onto others in manifesting my dreams, I decided to take complete charge of it myself.
Realizing that absolutely everything that I ever needed or wanted is within my glorious, wonderous Self has been the biggest shift towards my inner freedom!
How much I would love to be ‘miss Matt Kahn inspired- freed by her own divine autority’…I know I’m far from there yet. I’m slowely working my way up in finding this level of independency, happiness and self-love, uniting the two parts of that have been separate.
The sacred Union of the Divine masculine and feminine, within…me.
And as our feelings create our reality, this Union within, I just know, will soon be beautifully reflected back in the outside world.
Because this is how the universe works!
As within, so without
And until that day, I vow to keep living my truth very, VERY passionately!
Yes, that is possible even without ‘gettin some good old fashioned booty’.
Namasté from Costa Rica,
I wanted to leave a little thank you note to all the wonderful people in my life who have been walking with me on this ongoing journey in finding my place here on spaceship Earth. I’ve been cocooning for quite a while now, incubating this evolutionary shift. It has been a crazy rollercoaster , and ever since I boarded my plane to Costa Rica time only seems to speed up. I’m so genuinly grateful for my family and friends back home for all your support and love. Even though I might not express it enough. I love you so, so much. I know it’s not easy on all of you to love my restless, complicated, wandering soul, yet I do realize that I owe absolutely everything of what I am today to all of you… to your friendship and support.
Deeply grateful for all my wonderful ex-boyfriends, lovers and heart connections, for they have been the best teachers, and catalysts for my evolutionary shift into awakening.
Beyond grateful for new friends and teachers that are rising, for it is the warm confirmation that we are never truly alone.
And last but not least, a warm heartfelt shout out to Upbeatbuddha (< check his page)
The beautiful monsieur Ryan Keys, oh my godness, what a gift this man is to this world. Thank you so much for being my Miyagi sensei, a mentor, friend, lighthouse, co-creator and constant presence and guide in my life. Thank you for caring, checking in almost daily and walking along with me, and many others, through these life challenges! I wouldn’t know where I’d be without your teachings, inspiration, friendship, love and soul support on a daily basis!